I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
