i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
