I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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