it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
two words...techno handjob
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
