id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
