how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
