I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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