By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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