3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
