Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
