new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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