My underwear smells like fireworks.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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