How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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