With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
