I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
