I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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