if you like me you must not know who I am
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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