My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
