saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
