I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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