last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
