lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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