How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
