Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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