When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
