please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
