This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
