The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
