this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
