Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
