If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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