I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
