Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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