I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
