it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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