So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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