If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
