saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
