I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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