so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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