i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
