i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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