Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
