Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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