just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
