if i can run in heels then i can drive
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
