I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
