My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
