Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
