I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
