I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
