Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
