the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
