I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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