I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My cat gives me a boner
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
