my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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